Thursday, November 24, 2011

What happens to the Birth Records after an Adoption is Finalized?

In nearly all US states, adoption records are sealed and withheld from public inspection after the adoption is finalized. Most states have instituted procedures by which parties to an adoption may obtain non-identifying and identifying information from an adoption record while still protecting the interests of all parties. Non-identifying information includes the date and place of the adoptee's birth; age, race, ethnicity, religion, medical history, physical description, education, occupation of the biological parents; reason for placing the child for adoption; and the existence of biological siblings.

All states allow an adoptive parents access to nonidentifying information of an adoptee who is still a minor. Nearly all states allow the adoptee, upon reaching adulthood, access to non-identifying information about their relatives. Approximately 27 states allow biological parents access to non-identifying information. In addition, many states give such access to adult siblings. Identifying information is any data that may lead to the positive identification of an adoptee, biological parents, or other relatives. Nearly all states permit the release of identifying information when the person whose information is sought has consented to the release. Many states ask biological parents to specify at the time of consent or surrender whether they are willing to have their identity disclosed to the adoptee when he or she is age 18 or 21.5. If consent is not on file, the information may not be released without a court order documenting good cause to release the information. A person seeking a court order must be able to demonstrate by clear and convincing evidence that there is a compelling reason for disclosure that outweighs maintaining the confidentiality of a party to an adoption.^[23] In Alabama, Alaska, Delaware, Kansas, New Hampshire, and Oregon, there is no requirement to document good cause in order to access their birth certificates.^[24]^[25]^[26]^[27] Some groups, such as Bastard Nation, One Voice,^[28] and Origins USA,^[29] campaign for adoptees' automatic access to birth certificates in other US states.

At age 18, people adopted in the United Kingdom, Australia, Europe and in several provinces in Canada are automatically entitled to their birth certificates and may access their adoption records.^[24]

^{Credit: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Open_adoption}

Monday, November 21, 2011

Preparing the Sibling-In-Waiting Before Adoption Occurs

Heidi Weitzman, an adoption social worker in Children's Home Society's Minnesota Waiting Child Program, says, " Because of the nature of our work, a lot of us tend to focus on the newly adopted child. Sometimes it's good to take a step back and look at this from all points of view. The child already in the family will experience just as much change with the least amount of preparation because they're not in classes."

Weitzman has found that a child anxious to get a new sibling typically has a let down when reality replaces fantasy. The child may experience difficulty over divided parental attention, particularly if the newest sibling or siblings demonstrate behaviors that require interventions. To help children who are anticipating getting a new brother or sister through adoption, Weitzman interviews the child without the parents being present, using a "Sibling Preference Questionnaire" that helps determine how the child fantasizes about their new sibling or siblings. With the child's permission, the answers are shared with parents, and Weitzman makes herself available should the family or the child need to talk at a later date. "This common sense approach elicits the child's feelings," says Weitzman, "and provides a talking tool to discuss a list of behaviors that might be exhibited by siblings."

"Work small," suggests Weitzman, "Don't expect miracles or for sibs to click right away, and if they do, expect it to get worse. That's the reality. I don't like to be a pessimist, but I point out to families that I've worked with a lot of kids who have gone through this, and that there will be difficult times. Even if I come in as a rain cloud, it can be helpful. They don't have to believe me, but once the children know me, I'm a familiar face who they can talk to if I'm needed."

To help parents and professionals prepare sibling-to-be, Weitzman suggests the following tips:

1. Elicit the child's fantasies about the sibling about to join the family.

2. Give the child a voice, separate from the parents.

3. Pay attention when the child's view does not match that of the parents.

4. Be aware that adults may need to adjust a child's fantasy of siblings about to be adopted, particularly if the child expects a "picture perfect" experience.

5. Note that children without other siblings seem to have more difficulty with the transition because of divided attention from their parents or how they perceive the new child behaving towards the adoptive parents.

6. Practice future thinking, helping children project themselves into situations where they will be able to keep their identity apart from their new sibling(s). (For example, beginning middle school, playing soccer, sleeping over at a friend's house.)

7. Be aware that kids equate parental love with the amount of attention given to a new child or children in the family, even if it is negative attention.

8. Help the child do some "grown-up talk" about behaviors that might occur with new sibling(s).

9. Provide ways to grow the sibling relationship, suggesting that they play video games together, pick out a treat together or take turns choosing a movie for the family to view.

10. Remind children of why they were excited to get a new sister or brother, and seek commonalities that might help them renew that initial excitement.

CREDIT:Mary Martin Mason grew up in an open adoption as is her 17-year-old son. She often addresses national audiences on issues of adoption including the open adoption. The author of Designing Rituals of Adoption and Out of the Shadows, Birth Fathers Stories, she is the Adoption Clearinghouse Coordinator for MARN (Minnesota Adoption Support and Preservation - MN ASAP) and editor of the N ASAP Family Voices newsletter. E-mail: mmason@mnadopt.org. http://www.mnasap.org © 2003

http://library.adoption.com/articles/preparing-the-sibling-in-waiting-before-adoption-occurs.html

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Waiting Children

· Children enter foster care through no faults of their own as victims of child abuse, neglect or abandonment. They are removed from their biological families for their own safety and left without a permanent, loving home.

· More than 26,000 foster youth age out of the system each year with no one to call family and no place to call home.

· 46% of foster youth who age out of the system have not completed high school; 48% were unemployed in the first 12-16 months; 25% experienced homelessness within four years after leaving care; 84% became parents outside of wedlock; and 30% became dependent on public assistance.

· Foster care is designed to be temporary, yet the average time in care is almost 21 months, and 33% of children ages 9 and older did not have case plans that included permanency goals for living with a family, but rather include plans for long-term foster care or emancipation.

· 65% of former foster children and youth experienced 7 or more school changes while living in the foster care system.

· The average child waits for an adoptive family for more than 3 years; 19% spend 5 years or more waiting for a family.

Source: U.S. Department Health & Human Services and Annie E. Casey Foundation KIDS COUNT 2008 Data Book

Monday, November 14, 2011

Why Encourage Adoption?

From the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services (AFCARS Estimates as of January 2009):

· 114,500 children in U.S. foster care are available for adoption because parental rights have been terminated; however, only 57,000 children are adopted each year.

· Each year, 20% of children turn 18 and leave foster care leave without being adopted.

From the National Foster Care Adoption Attitudes Survey, conducted by Harris Interactive and commissioned by the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption in 2007:

· 48 million Americans have considered foster care adoption, more so than any other form of adoption. However, they lack awareness and information to move through the adoption process. More needs to be done to connect these families with waiting children.

· 69% of American adults think more should be done to encourage adoption.

· One in three American adults has considered adopting a child, if just a fraction of them adopted, every child waiting in foster care would have a permanent family.

· Many Americans have misperceptions about the foster care adoption process and the children waiting for adoption. They need to know that these children did not enter foster care as juvenile delinquents, that foster care adoption is affordable and that the biological parents cannot try to take the child back.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Is Your Workplace Adoption-Friendly?

Ask your employer for adoption benefits with the help of a free toolkit from The Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption. The toolkit contains a copy of the book, Beyond Benefits: More Ways to Make Your Workplace Adoption-Friendly. It also includes a CD with forms and sample benefit plans, making it easy to propose and establish an adoption benefits policy in your workplace.

The booklet suggests ways for employers to help employees who are considering adoption, are engaged in the process, or have already adopted, plus ways to promote the cause of adoption in the workplace. Created with the support of the W.K. Kellogg Foundation.

Visit http://www.davethomasfoundation.org/ for more resources and information.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Auburn Adoption Orientation

November is National Adoption Month

Every November, across the nation awareness is raised for adoption and the need for adoptive families. There are thousands of children waiting in foster care who are legally free for adoption with no identified family to adopt them.

Did you know? One in three American adults has considered adopting a child, if just a fraction of them adopted, every child waiting in foster care would have a permanent family.

National Adoption Day
On this day during National Adoption Month, judges across the country make it a priority to finalize pending foster care adoptions. National Adoption Day is held each year on the Saturday before Thanksgiving (November 19, 2011). Host a National Adoption Day event of your own by inviting members of your church congregation or local group to join you for a workshop, picnic, reception or other event in celebration of adoptive families and generate awareness of waiting children. To partner with a local foster care adoption agency, visit www.childwelfare.gov/nfcad

Be a part of the national effort and get a free banner by registering your event at http://www.nationaladoptionday.org/

National Adoption Month resources
Promote foster care adoption in your community to help us find a family for every child, especially during National Adoption Awareness Month each November. Here are some of the ways you can help:

Reach out to your local media using these resources:

Media relations tips
Sample news release
Sample letter to the editor
Sample event announcement
Letter to request airing of public service announcement
Order our free public service announcements, videos and posters
Share our Step-by-Step Guide to Adoption with potential adoptive parents
Engage your faith community
Encourage employers in your area to offer adoption benefits
Participate in National Adoption Day, November 19, 2011
Gather your family and friends to watch the CBS foster care adoption special, A Home for the Holidays
Share the 2010 Best Adoption-Friendly Workplaces List

Credit: http://www.davethomasfoundationforadoption.org/

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Alabama Foster Parent Bill of Rights

The Foster Parents’ Bill of Rights, Act No. 2004-257, was enacted by the Legislature of Alabama. The following rights have been established and the Department of Human Resources shall ensure that each foster parent be afforded the following rights:

The right to be treated with dignity, respect, trust, value, and consideration as a primary provider of foster care and a member of the professional team caring for foster children.
The right to receive information concerning the rights enumerated in this act.
The right to a concise written explanation of their role as foster parents in partnership with children and their families, the department, and other providers, the role of the department, and the rights and role of the members of the birth family of a child in foster care. The birth family’s rights/roles and responsibilities are defined and should be shared with the birth family and the foster parents to ensure expectations. Refer to the “Rights/Roles and Responsibilities of the Birth Family of a Child in Foster Care” located in the forms section.
The right to training and support for the purpose of improving skills in providing daily care and meeting the needs of the child in foster care.
The right to training, consultation, and assistance in evaluating, identifying, and accessing services to meet their needs related to their role as foster care providers. This includes, but is not limited to, all foster care policies, the Foster Parent Handbook, Foster Family Homes Minimum Standards, the Therapeutic Foster Care Manual, and a mediation process.
The right to provide input to the department in identifying the types of resources and services that would meet the needs of children currently in their care and of their families, and advocate for the same without threat of reprisal.
The right to information concerning behavioral problems, health history, educational status, cultural and family background, and other issues relative to the child which are known to the department at the time the child is placed in foster care prior to the child's placement with a foster parent or parents. When the department learns such information after placement, the department shall make that information available to the foster parent as soon as practicable.
The right to a written explanation of the plan concerning the placement of a child in the foster parent's home. For emergency placements where time does not allow prior preparation of the explanation, the department shall provide such explanation within 72 hours. Prior to placement, the department shall allow the foster parent to review a written summary of information concerning the child, including, but not limited to, assessments, evaluations, and case plans, and allow the foster parent to assist in determining whether they can meet the needs of the placement for the prospective foster family. For emergency placements where time does not allow prior review of the information, the department shall provide the information within 72 hours of placement. Confidential information shall be kept confidential by the foster parents, except as determined through the ISP process to promote the health and welfare of the child. Refer to the Form Section for the “Foster Parents Written Explanation Regarding Placement.” If a county desires to use it’s own form all the required information must be included. Counties should make two copies of the placement information form, a signed copy for the child’s DHR record and a copy for the foster parents to keep.
The right to a staff person representing the department on call 24 hours a day, seven days a week, for the purpose of aiding the foster parent in receiving departmental assistance.
The right to fair and equitable board payments based on a system of daily board rates and other financial reimbursement as specified in a plan adopted by the department after consultation with foster parents, subject to the availability of funds.
The right to accept or refuse placement within their home, or to request, upon reasonable notice to the department, the removal of a child from their home for good cause without threat of reprisal for acting on such good cause.
The right to information about scheduled meetings and appointments concerning the foster child and permission for the foster parent to actively participate in and provide input to be used by the Individualized Service Plan team in the case planning and decision-making process regarding the child in foster care, including, but not limited to, individual service planning meetings, foster care reviews, individual educational planning meetings, and medical appointments.
The right to request that a volunteer advocate be present at all meetings with the department, including, but not limited to, individualized service planning, administrative hearings, the grievance/mediation process, the adoption process, and the allegation process where the foster parent is present. All communications received by the volunteer advocate shall be in strict confidence.
The right to notice and a right to be heard, including timely information concerning all court hearings. This notification may include, but is not limited to, notice of the date and time of the court hearing, the name of the judge or hearing officer assigned to the case, the guardian ad litem, the location of the hearing, and the court docket number. The notification shall be made upon receipt of this information by the department. Although not a party to the case, the foster parent may attend court hearings at the discretion of the judge.
The right to communication with professionals who work with the foster child, including, but not limited to, therapists, physicians, and teachers who work directly with the child
The right to communicate with the child's birth family, other foster parents of the child, and prospective and finalized adoptive parents of the child with Individualized Service Plan Team approval and without the threat of reprisal.
The right to necessary information on an ongoing basis which is relevant to the care of the child, including timely information on changes in the case plan or termination of the placement and reasons for the changes or termination of placement to the foster parent except in the instances of immediate response of child protective service.
The right to first consideration as the resource for a child in a foster parent's home after post TPR and all relatives have been explored.
The right to a period of respite upon the request of a foster parent. The foster parent shall provide reasonable notice of a request for respite.
The right to information, in person and in writing, of any allegations of maltreatment of children in the home of the foster parent alleged to have been perpetrated by a member of the foster parent's household, the process for disposition of these allegations, and any review process for reports of indicated child abuse and neglect upon receipt of the allegations. A written notification of any report in which a finding is not indicated on the county level shall be provided to a foster parent within five days of the findings.
The right to copies of all information relative to their family and services contained in the personal foster home record.
The right to mediation procedures that may be developed and adopted by the department and the Alabama Foster and Adoptive Parent Association Board. The foster parent may request mediation in accordance with any mediation policy adopted by the department and the Alabama Foster and Adoptive Parent Association Board without threat of reprisal.
The right to appeal the revocation of a foster family home by the department in accordance with any appeal procedure adopted by the department and the Alabama Foster and Adoptive Parent Association Board without threat of reprisal.

There is no provision in the FPBR that allows the Department to release written information to foster parents about the parents of children in care. No personal information about the parent should be included on the written summary provided to the foster parents. The Department has no authority to release Social Security numbers of the parents of children in care on the written information form or otherwise. The whereabouts of the parents may be included to the extent that it is of value to placing the child. Information about the parents will be shared/covered during the ISP.

Monday, October 31, 2011

The Numbers Game: Making Sense of the Latest Research on Youth in Foster Care

Should we be hopeful? Or should we despair?

I have been moving between these two emotions as I read the flurry of new research released in the
past few weeks.

There are reasons to be concerned for the children in our country. 16.4 million children now live in poverty. This is equal to 22% of all children, the largest number of American children in poverty in nearly 40 years. As the economy struggles to recover from recession, the most vulnerable Americans continue to suffer.

As the ranks of the impoverished grow, and as middle-class families find themselves slipping into financial stress, children are increasingly at risk. Another recently published report indicates that cases of child abuse have increased in correlation to, but not necessarily because of, the recession. While child abuse is not limited to families struggling with lost wages or lost jobs, economic struggles do raise the stresses on parents, who sometimes may not cope, to their own loved ones' detriment.

But among all of these disheartening numbers, this is another number that has intrigued me: 408,425.

This is the number of children who were in the foster care system on September 30, 2010. This number was released earlier this summer by the Children's Bureau, part of the federal Department of Health and Human Services, as part of their yearly AFCARS report.

This number has been going down steadily for the past decade. In 2002, this number was 523,000. Think about that. Today, there are 100,000 fewer children involved in the foster care system than just eight years ago.

Now, the key question is why this trend is happening. And this is the part that keeps me awake at night.

Our friends at the Children's Defense Fund have spent some time looking at these numbers, and they have come up with some great insights. As one example, they note that the number of children waiting to be adopted has trended down in the past year. At the same time, the percent of children who exited care into adoption is up slightly. This seems like a good sign: more children are leaving care to go to permanent homes.

But let's go back to that question: Why is the overall number of young people in out-of-home care going down? Are youth not entering care because parents are receiving earlier and more appropriate help to allow them to keep their children with them? If that is the case, that would be a very good result.

When we posted this question to our followers on Facebook, several people suggested another possible reason for the decline: more children are being voluntarily placed with relatives rather than entering the foster care system. This too might be good -- children are leaving abusive homes to find safe shelter. Or it might be that relative care is a temporary solution. As one Facebook commenter put it, "relatives are put into a situation that they can manage for a month or two, but not months, years, etc..."

Something else to consider: are fewer children entering care because caseworkers are reluctant to refer children into an already overwhelmed system -- something that has happened in past recessions? Or is this because abuse is being reported less often, but happening just as frequently? If so, then this number is a cause for alarm.

Even if the most hopeful interpretations are true, there could be unexpected consequences. For example, if more children are exiting the system more quickly, then who are the older youth still waiting for a permanent home? Who are the 43,000 young people in foster care who have been there more than three years?

I am going to choose to be hopeful, but vigilant. This decline may be good news, but clearly more work is needed to protect children in this country. I want to see the number of children in the foster care system drop to zero. I look forward to the day when child abuse is something we read about in the history books, not on the front pages of newspapers.

But in the meantime, we owe it to the thousands of children in care to remember that they are people, not statistics. We are obliged to listen to their concerns, to lift up their voices and to do everything we can to guide each of them safely to a permanent home.

Credit: Michael Piraino, CEO, National CASA Association
Follow Michael Piraino on Twitter: www.twitter.com/CASAforChildren
article originally published 9/29/11 on http://www.huffingtonpost.com/

Thursday, October 27, 2011

The "Aging Out" Dilemma Plaguing the Foster Care System

Imagine that because you've been abused or neglected as a child, you've spent the first 21 years of your life separated from your biological family, bouncing from one foster home to another and changing schools every few years. At 21-years-old, you have never paid rent, bought your own groceries or managed your own expenses.

With an education that's spotty at best, and no family or other support systems in place, you're told that you're now an adult and responsible for functioning in the world on your own. Would you be able to do it?

That is precisely the situation facing many young adults who age out of our child welfare system. And while outgoing ACS Commissioner Mattingly did a tremendous job on many fronts, he would probably agree that the "aging out" population is one that still requires urgent attention. As new Commissioner Richter takes over the agency, this would be an excellent time to take a fresh look at how we serve - or fail - these young people.

While local statistics are hard to come by for a population no longer under the city's care, nationally, one in four of the 20,000 foster care youth who age out of the child welfare system each year are incarcerated within two years; one in five become homeless, only half graduate from high school. With more than 900 young people aging out in New York each year, these numbers reflect a real problem.

Under the current system, when young people in foster care turn 21, they have the rug pulled out from under them. They must sink or swim. But if they sink, we all pay a price. Unable to manage on their own, with none of the support systems in place that we all take for granted, all too often, they end up homeless, or turn to drugs and crime - all of which take a toll on government budgets and the quality of life in our communities.

Because of their life experiences some kids need more support than others - and they may need it for longer. A 21-year-old who has lived most of his life in either the child welfare system or a dysfunctional family setting is not at the same level emotionally or cognitively as other 21-year-olds. And as every parent knows, you can't set an arbitrary schedule for maturity.

As nervous as we may be to send our own children away to college, for example, we recognize that we could not have gotten them more ready simply by training them better or earlier. Most of the kids we're talking about are not going away to college; they may not have graduated high school. There are no teachers or mentors or parents they can call when run out of money or get into trouble. They're on their own and, for many of them, 21 is simply not old enough. And no amount of training or better programming by the child welfare system could have hastened their readiness. Because of their many pressing needs and challenges, they have not been the beneficiaries of structured or guided exposure to life experiences that naturally facilitates the maturation process.

What's the solution? First, we need more and better programs to prepare these kids for life on their own. Once they are on their own, they are likely to still need help with housing, jobs and enrolling in some form of academic or vocational higher education. They may also need social work or mental health assistance to deal with issues like parents coming out of prison or siblings with drug problems. For those kids, providing this kind of support until age 23 could mean the difference between a productive life and a life in the corrections system or a homeless shelter. These age appropriate programs that work beyond the system are a very good investment indeed.

At the same time, we need to make it clear that this support for young adults is temporary, and that the recipient must ultimately bear responsibility for his or her own success. These young people must stay enrolled in school and hold a job, even if part time. There must be high expectations, no free rides, and a path toward independence in a relatively short term.

For Hispanic youngsters today, we're seeing particular challenges, at least partly due to changing immigration trends. Many young immigrants, coming here from a variety of countries, do not have the generational, family and community support that has existed for previous immigrant groups. Whatever extended family they may have to fall back on may already be stretched thin. Combine lack of family with language barrier and overall cultural differences, and that child is at even greater risk.

Critics may argue that at some point we need to stop supporting these kids and cut them loose, and that 21 seems like a logical age. After all, we spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on each of these kids up until that point - When is enough enough? If release from the child welfare system is no more than a path toward a homeless shelter or a jail cell, what have we accomplished? If by creating short term programs to teach the necessary skills prior to turning 21 and by providing some additional support for a limited period of time afterwards, we can put that young adult on the path to a successful productive life. Isn't that worth it?

Credit: Bill Baccaglini, Executive Director, The New York Foundling
originally published at http://www.huffingtonpost.com/

Monday, October 24, 2011

Is that Your REAL Sister?

Prepare kids for comments. Talk about what your children are likely to hear when a sibling of a different race arrives, says Deborah Johnson, executive director of the Minnesota Adoption Resource Network and a specialist in transracial adoption. Don’t let your children be taken by surprise. Be open about the choices you have made and the values your family espouses.

Gretchen and Paul Felopulos of Natick, Massachusetts, began having simple conversations about differences with Chloe long before they adopted Phoebe. Good thing, too. Soon after Phoebe arrived, when a playmate insisted, “She’s not your real sister!” Chloe was incensed, but prepared. “She is so my real sister!” she said. “She’s my forever sister!”

Tell kids the truth.
“As uncomfortable as it may be for you, don’t sugar-coat,” says Johnson. “It’s classic for parents to say, ‘Those people were staring because you and your sister are so cute.’ No, they were staring because you’re different. Say so: ‘They were staring because our family is different. We see each other every day, so we don’t notice our differences so much. But other people do.'"

Demonstrate good responses.
Children in transracial families fare best when parents illustrate a range of reactions, depending on the circumstances. If someone asks, “Is she adopted?” it may be a genuine, albeit stupid, question. Part of your job is to teach a life skill: How to evaluate people’s motives. Is this person sincere or merely rude, clueless or prejudiced? What is the tone? What is the body language? If someone is rude, it may be appropriate to turn your back, walk away, and then talk to your child. If a question is sincere, but misguided or inappropriate, you might say, “This isn’t a good place to talk. If you’re interested in adoption, I’m happy to have you call me.”

Children also need to know that their mood counts. Sometimes, a question isn’t an invasion of privacy, it’s just poorly timed. “‘I’m not in the mood to talk about it’ is a perfectly fine answer,” Johnson says.
If children five or older start to hate the attention, humor may the best antidote—when someone asks a silly question, roll your eyes at each other, or make a joke.

Credit: http://www.adoptivefamilies.com/

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Getting Support While You Wait

The road to adoption is not an easy one for most families. If you're like most, you have probably endured tremendous disappointment, loss, stress, and a drain of financial resources, not to mention a roller coaster of alternating and exhausting emotions. If infertility was an issue, you and your partner are understandably disappointed. It can be overwhelming, to say the least, to have to begin yet another new experience-adoption-to get to your original goal of parenthood. When key people in your life-family, friends, neighbors, and others whose opinions you value-do not agree with your decision to adopt, the process can be even more discouraging and frustrating. By communicating openly, though, and understanding your role in educating family and friends about adoption, you can find the support you want and need during this challenging time.

Obstacles to Support

The biggest obstacles most prospective adopters and their families face is fear and misinformation. Fear comes in a number of sizes, shapes, and forms, and originates from many sources. Prospective adopters may fear a birthmother changing her mind; fear possible unknown medical issues; fear having to prove their competency as parents through a homestudy assessment; fear being out of control; fear becoming parents sooner-or later-than they expected; fear the unknown. It's sometimes easy to forget that the same fears and falsehoods that have invaded your lives as prospective adoptive parents have also been busy invading the lives of your family and friends, too. These same family and friends may share their concerns (before, during, and after your adoption) in less than supportive ways. "I just don't know if I could love someone else's child as my own..." "It costs how much???!!!" "I'm sure you'll get pregnant, maybe you're just trying to hard." "I could never give up a child!" "What if the birthparents change their minds?" "What's the "real" mother like?" "Are you going to keep trying to have one of your own?" These are just some of the comments that you're likely to hear.

Like fear, misinformation originates from many sources. People get their information and base their attitudes about adoption on what they read or see in the media, their generational, cultural, or religious beliefs, and their personal experience with adoption or with others who are adopted, have adopted, or know some one who has adopted. When you encounter fear or misinformation from a family member or friend, remember that you, too, have struggled with some of the same issues and concerns. Just as education and accurate information helped you move forward in your decision to adopt, so, too, will it help your family and friends. Share with them books or articles about adoption that you have found especially helpful. Bring them with you to information or support group meetings.

Being Sensitive to Others

Just as you expect that family and friends should be sensitive to the disappointment, loss, stress, and strain that you're experiencing, you must be sensitive to how your decision to adopt has affected those who are close to you. Would-be grandparents, aunts, and uncles may need to mourn the loss of a genetic grandchild, niece or nephew. Friends and other family members may find it difficult to enjoy their own pregnancies while you wait for your child to arrive if you do not give them permission.

Like you, many of your friends and family members may feel a lost sense of control. Most people are familiar with the mechanics and emotions involved in a biological pregnancy. There is a larger level of acceptance of the pregnancy experience as a whole (even though no pregnancy guarantees a successful outcome and a healthy child). Because in a pregnancy there are no choices involved to determine the age, gender, or relative health of the child, the family is relieved of making stressful decisions. In an adoptive pregnancy, decisions that need to be made-boy or girl?, how old?, international or domestic?, from which country?, how healthy is healthy?, whether to accept a specific referral?, and on and on-can be overwhelming and misunderstood by well meaning yet uninformed loved ones. The abstractness of an adoptive pregnancy is also difficult for family and friends. There is no increasing bulge at the tummy, no copies of ultrasounds, no eccentric eating habits to remind them that the pregnancy is progressing. Getting them involved in the process, though, will make it more concrete, and help foster a new sense of entitlement to the child who will be joining your family. Involvement can take many forms, including helping to decorate the child's room, helping select the child's name, or helping create a life-book for the to-be-family member.

Building Bridges

Understanding that it may be difficult for others to be able to empathize or even cope with the stress of your adoption won't necessarily bring you instant support, but it will help you cope with a disheartening response or questions and concerns from family and friends. It is also important that you seek support from people who are already familiar with adoption, such as other adoptive families, support groups, and family counselors as well. Bridges sometimes have to be built from relationships to adoption, they don't always just happen. But by taking a proactive stance to educate your loved ones about adoption, you will be one step closer to your dream of a family with the love and support you want and need.

Credit: James Molter is Executive Director of God's Children International, an adoption agency located in Orange County, California. He can be reached at director@godschildrenadoptions.org. He is also the adoptive father of an 11-year-old from Russia and the stepparent of a 28-year-old daughter.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Families for Alabama's Kids

Families 4 Alabama’s Kids is a recruitment and retention program of Alabama DHR that works statewide to recruit adoptive and foster parents for Alabama’s children needing loving, nurturing families. We encourage you to visit the Waiting Children page at Heart Gallery Alabama.

If you do not have access to an email account and would like more information, call us at 1-866-4-AL-KIDS (1-866-425-5437) .

Partial Credit: www.dhr.alabama.gov

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Avoiding Feelings of Isolation

Adoptive parents often feel that society looks more closely at their parenting preparedness and skill than to the preparedness and skill of biological parents. In many respects this is true, because of the rules and regulations established by the State Department of Human Services, and the adoption agency's responsibility for the well being of the child.

Some of the challenges that new adoptive parents may face include:

Feeling that their own needs are not being met.
Feeling isolated from friends.
Feeling embarrassed to admit that challenges exist.
Trying to do everything without help.
Trying to please everyone.
Feeling that everyone is watching and ready to critique the job they do.

Friends and family can help new parents overcome some of these challenges by inviting them out to a movie or sporting event, being willing to listen without giving too much advice, and offering a couple of hours of respite care once in a while. Additional support can come from services and resources for parents available in most communities.

In Alabama, APAC (Alabama Pre/Post Adoption Connections) has numerous Adoptive Family Groups (AFG) across the state that are offered to families at no cost. These AFGs are a wonderful place to network with other adoptive parents and gain insight from families just like you who may have faced similar challenges. These groups also offer an opportunity for adopted children to interact with one another in structured, fun activities that are led by a child therapist.

APAC also offers up to 20 free family counseling sessions to 1) families who are approved for adoption and waiting for placement of a child, 2) families who have a child 18 or under placed in the home with a plan for adoption by that family (the adoption does not need to have been finalized, but TPR must have taken place and the parents must be the identified adoptive resource for the child), and 3) families with a child 18 or under who was legally adopted -- whether through DHR or privately. For more information on AFGs or Counseling services that APAC offers, please use the contact us link on the right sidebar of this blog.

Carrie Craft, host of the on-line newsletter, Your Guide to Adoption, was adopted, and as an adult has become an adoptive parent. She describes the adoptive parent as a gardener of love, mender of wounds, embracer of all, keeper of memories, weaver of lives, finder of lost things, and finisher of the race begun by another. Parents, both adoptive and biological, develop these skills by having a positive attitude, networking, creating a support system and with a lot of hard work.

Credit: Janet Benavente and Sheila Gains, February 2008,
"Families of Choice" updated August 29, 2011
Colorado State University

Monday, October 10, 2011

"Resolve" Infertility Part 2 of 2

But what does it really mean to resolve feelings of lose due to infertility? During a discussion on Adoptive Parents of Vietnam (APV) mailing list, parents proposed several useful definitions.

"I don't think that resolving any loss ever means getting to a point where the loss doesn't exist or doesn't matter any more. I think that resolving loss -- including infertility -- means putting it in its proper place and being able to move on in life without being held back from going forward by that loss." Cat V.

One adoptive mom provided this insight on what it means to adoptive parents to "resolve" issues of infertility.

"From my understanding, to have "resolved" our infertility means to feel firm in our intent to build our family through other means other than birth. That we have determined that to keep trying to have a birth child is not the important thing anymore. Our purpose is not fulfilled by means of continuing to try to get pregnant, since our purpose is to have children. We have resolved to go forward into adoption whole-heartedly and without reserve..." Debbie H.

A photograph represents the emotional losses of infertility in this helpful metaphor presented by another parent.

"At the point when the loss isn't resolved -- the photograph is in front of you, it is all you see, and it blocks you from moving forward with your life. During the grieving process this is, of course, perfectly normal...Resolving that loss doesn't mean putting the picture behind you. It doesn't mean pretending like the loss never happened or that it doesn't matter. That would be denying the loss, nor resolving it."

"Resolving the loss would be more like putting the picture beside you, but off to the side. The picture is still there, you still remember it, you still grieve your loss, and it does matter. At some points in your life the picture will come more to the forefront than at others and grief will return. Yet, the picture doesn't block your way anymore... you can move forward." Cat V.

Certain events are prone to trigger emotional feelings related to infertility loss - for example, a pregnancy, birth announcement, Mother's Day, birth in the family or a close friend's pregnancy. Parents shared examples of these trigger events in the discussion.

"I think that many of us were probably asked during our home study if we had 'resolved' our infertility. Yeah, right. We accept it, but I have to wonder if it gets 'resolved'. I think it will pop up at certain moments when we least expect it, much like adoption issues for our kids." Trish M.

Credit: Allison Martin, http://www.comeunity.com/, © Copyright 2000

Allison Martin, M.P.A., is the manager of the Adopt Vietnam and the national Families with Children from Vietnam websites. Allison Martin has three well beloved children, two who joined her family by international adoption.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

"Resolve" Infertility Part 1 of 2

One of the questions prospective parents are routinely asked during their adoption home study is whether they have "resolved" their infertility. This issue is raised because it is a widespread paradigm in the professional adoption community that infertile, prospective adoptive parents need to resolve their feelings of loss to fully accept their children. Issues related to infertility that may impact adoptive families include loss of a "dream" or idealized child, loss of physical connection of pregnancy and biological heredity, and loss of continuity of inheritance. Resolution of these issues and feelings is intended to ensure that lingering frustration, anger, sadness or other emotions don't create tension or avoidance of important issues within the adoptive family.

Confronting and moving beyond issues of loss is an important part of the life long journey of adoption for all members of the triad (adoptive parents, birth parents and children). While these feelings may sometimes resurface when evoked by certain life stages or by emotional triggers, such as a friend's pregnancy, a person's outlook and the emotional intensity of these issues usually transforms over time. If parents are able to move forward and feel comfortable with adoption, they can support their children (and each other) in surmounting their emotional feelings and issues.

If the issues related to feelings of loss due to infertility aren't resolved, parents can end up feeling removed or even resentful toward their children. They may be unable to acknowledge that their children have birth parents. Or they may be unable to accept with grace the ways in which their children are different from them in temperament or appearance or ability. Some of these reactions are perfectly normal at times. [For example, I have noticed that it is part of the bonding process for many prospective and new parents not to think much about their children's past (e.g., the existence of birth parents)]. However, as with most things, continued denial can result in an imbalance in the relationship. Children are sensitive to their parents' emotions and thoughts, even if they are unspoken.

Credit: Allison Martin, copyright 2000, http://www.comeunity.com/

Allison Martin, M.P.A., is the manager of the Adopt Vietnam and the national Families with Children from Vietnam websites. Allison Martin has three well beloved children, two who joined her family by international adoption.

Monday, October 3, 2011

How to Create Healing for Adopted Children

Monday, September 26, 2011

Approval Process for a Foster Family Home

In addition to the pre-service training requirement (GPS and CPR/First Aid) the following steps are required in order to assess/approve a potential foster family home. Additional training may be required based on issues such as presence of a body of water on property (pool, hot tub, lake, etc.), age/medical needs of children to be fostered, etc.

A. Application and Procedure for Approval

Required submissions & agreements

Application to Operate a Foster Family Home
Medical Report for Persons Giving Care to Children (each adult member of household)
Freedom from infectious and contagious diseases statement (all household members
Financial Report
Clearance of State Central Registry on Child Abuse and Neglect (each applicant and household members 14 years old or older.
Authorization for ABI/FBI Criminal History Information (Consent & Release forms) for each applicant & adult household member, regular overnight visitors and/or substitute caregivers
Applicants, adult household members and adult persons regularly visiting overnight must provide at least three personal references. Agency reserves the right to ask for more references in order to meet character and suitability requirements.

B. Examination & Evaluation of Application – to ensure compliance with Foster Family Home Minimum Standards.

Examination of physical components of the home
Interviews with applicants, family members, household members, references, etc.
Character & Suitability assessment

Monday, September 19, 2011

Foster/Adoption Readiness Questionnaire

Alabama has over 5,000 children in foster care and of these between 300 to 400 are awaiting adoption. These are children with a wide range of special needs and a wide range of special gifts. Most are school-aged, some have physical or mental or emotion disabilities, some are brothers and sisters who want to stay together. Many are African American, and most have experienced some degree of abuse or neglect. What they have in common is the need to be a part of a permanent, nurturing family.

Do I Qualify?

Foster and adoptive families come in all shapes and sizes. You can be married or single. You do not have to be rich. You do not have to own your own home. Here are a few questions that will help you see your qualifications. Answering yes to these questions is not a guarantee that fostering and/or adopting is right for your family. This Readiness Questionnaire is the beginning of a mutual selection process involving both your family and this agency.

‘Financial:

The basic rule is that you need to assess your financial situation and see if you have enough income to meet a child’s needs. An adoption subsidy (financial assistance) may be available to children with special needs. Some may also be eligible for Medicaid. As an approved foster family, you will receive a room and board payment (approximately $14 per day depending on the age of the child) to reimburse you for some of the expenses that come with caring for a child. You will not be responsible for the child’s medical care cost. Is your family in the financial situation to take on the responsibility of caring for another child(ren?