"Resolve" Infertility Part 1 of 2

One of the questions prospective parents are routinely asked during their adoption home study is whether they have "resolved" their infertility. This issue is raised because it is a widespread paradigm in the professional adoption community that infertile, prospective adoptive parents need to resolve their feelings of loss to fully accept their children. Issues related to infertility that may impact adoptive families include loss of a "dream" or idealized child, loss of physical connection of pregnancy and biological heredity, and loss of continuity of inheritance. Resolution of these issues and feelings is intended to ensure that lingering frustration, anger, sadness or other emotions don't create tension or avoidance of important issues within the adoptive family.

Confronting and moving beyond issues of loss is an important part of the life long journey of adoption for all members of the triad (adoptive parents, birth parents and children). While these feelings may sometimes resurface when evoked by certain life stages or by emotional triggers, such as a friend's pregnancy, a person's outlook and the emotional intensity of these issues usually transforms over time. If parents are able to move forward and feel comfortable with adoption, they can support their children (and each other) in surmounting their emotional feelings and issues.

If the issues related to feelings of loss due to infertility aren't resolved, parents can end up feeling removed or even resentful toward their children. They may be unable to acknowledge that their children have birth parents. Or they may be unable to accept with grace the ways in which their children are different from them in temperament or appearance or ability. Some of these reactions are perfectly normal at times. [For example, I have noticed that it is part of the bonding process for many prospective and new parents not to think much about their children's past (e.g., the existence of birth parents)]. However, as with most things, continued denial can result in an imbalance in the relationship. Children are sensitive to their parents' emotions and thoughts, even if they are unspoken.

Credit: Allison Martin, copyright 2000, http://www.comeunity.com/

Allison Martin, M.P.A., is the manager of the Adopt Vietnam and the national Families with Children from Vietnam websites. Allison Martin has three well beloved children, two who joined her family by international adoption.