"Resolve" Infertility Part 2 of 2

But what does it really mean to resolve feelings of lose due to infertility? During a discussion on Adoptive Parents of Vietnam (APV) mailing list, parents proposed several useful definitions.

"I don't think that resolving any loss ever means getting to a point where the loss doesn't exist or doesn't matter any more. I think that resolving loss -- including infertility -- means putting it in its proper place and being able to move on in life without being held back from going forward by that loss." Cat V.

One adoptive mom provided this insight on what it means to adoptive parents to "resolve" issues of infertility.

"From my understanding, to have "resolved" our infertility means to feel firm in our intent to build our family through other means other than birth. That we have determined that to keep trying to have a birth child is not the important thing anymore. Our purpose is not fulfilled by means of continuing to try to get pregnant, since our purpose is to have children. We have resolved to go forward into adoption whole-heartedly and without reserve..." Debbie H.

A photograph represents the emotional losses of infertility in this helpful metaphor presented by another parent.

"At the point when the loss isn't resolved -- the photograph is in front of you, it is all you see, and it blocks you from moving forward with your life. During the grieving process this is, of course, perfectly normal...Resolving that loss doesn't mean putting the picture behind you. It doesn't mean pretending like the loss never happened or that it doesn't matter. That would be denying the loss, nor resolving it."

"Resolving the loss would be more like putting the picture beside you, but off to the side. The picture is still there, you still remember it, you still grieve your loss, and it does matter. At some points in your life the picture will come more to the forefront than at others and grief will return. Yet, the picture doesn't block your way anymore... you can move forward." Cat V.

Certain events are prone to trigger emotional feelings related to infertility loss - for example, a pregnancy, birth announcement, Mother's Day, birth in the family or a close friend's pregnancy. Parents shared examples of these trigger events in the discussion.

"I think that many of us were probably asked during our home study if we had 'resolved' our infertility. Yeah, right. We accept it, but I have to wonder if it gets 'resolved'. I think it will pop up at certain moments when we least expect it, much like adoption issues for our kids." Trish M.

Credit: Allison Martin, http://www.comeunity.com/, © Copyright 2000

Allison Martin, M.P.A., is the manager of the Adopt Vietnam and the national Families with Children from Vietnam websites. Allison Martin has three well beloved children, two who joined her family by international adoption.